Wow.  Wow, this movie is bad. And for no reason! You’ve got Priyanka Chopra, Shahid Kapoor, and a fairly promising love-across-time premise!

Unfortunately, you also have catastrophic screen-writing, the conviction that assy dudes are secretly adorable, and some seriously dodgy stubble on Mr. Kapoor from 1910.

Right, so: the couple exists (different names, different jobs, whatever) in 1910 in a garrisoned village in what is now Pakistan, in the 60s in Mumbai, and nowish in England. They meet by chance, they fall in love, and then something occurs to break them up (in two out of three options, it’s that Mr. Kapoor is a jackwagon; in the other it’s that he gets arrested for sticking it to the British–because he wants to impress a girl, so…yeah).

It’s not unusual for Bollywood movies to be tonally discordant, but this one is especially jarring, partly because it’s not long enough (I know, right?) to give each story due time. The 60s segment is basically a screwball comedy, complete with goofy sound effects. It is the most charming. The 1910s segment also has a few of those sound effects and everything is a hilarious sexy joke, but also Ms. Chopra’s character is politically active and then suddenly Mr. Kapoor goes to jail and religion is a thing (which, yes, I understand as pertinent issues, but…you haven’t seen how dumb this movie is). The 2012 segment doesn’t even try at all to do anything except Shakespeare gags? So, okay, sure.

Nothing is done with much conviction (except Ms. Chopra’s weeping, which was largely convincing and also picturesque), up to and including the dance sequences. Since the story makes no sense and the pacing is generally bad and Mr. Kapoor is unappealing in all three roles….  This director also made Hum Tum, in which Saif Ali Khan was a little bratty, but there’s a pretty big gulf between “a little bratty” and “simply the worst,” which is where Mr. Kapoor pretty much lands.

Director: Kunal Kohli
Rating: NR
Length: Only 117 minutes, but still too long!
Score: 1/5

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