Archives for the month of: July, 2016

Presumably this is based on the 60s series I haven’t seen, so it should have been a stylish and refreshing sundae of Cold War nonsense. Unfortunately this was made when we were trying to make Armie Hammer happen, and neither he nor Henry Cavill can elevate a mediocre script.

Napoleon Solo (Cavill) is a CIA agent, Illya Kuryakin (Hammer) is a KGB agent. They fight with each other and then learn that they must work together to thwart a plot involving a rogue nuke. Gaby (Alicia Vikander) must be spirited out of East Berlin to help them. She is an auto mechanic but also looks very cute in mod smocks! Of course.

The film has charming bits. The scenery is mostly gorgeous, and East Berlin is appropriately depressing. Cavill wears good suits (and seems not to have the terrifying bulk of Superman), and Vikander’s clothes after she leaves East Berlin are great. Wonderful statement jewelry and fantastic hats. Hugh Grant’s British intelligence chappie is fine, as well. In a pleasing reversal played for good comic effect, the KGB gadgets are better than the American ones.

But there’s nothing new about the plot, and Solo and Kuryakin are both completely hollow. I expect they are supposed to be, but it doesn’t make for a watchable movie, because they’re don’t quite go enough for the gusto on the Bakelite vacuity.

Director: Guy Ritchie
Rating: PG-13
Length: 116 minutes
Score: 2/5

Advertisements

Tcheky Karyo makes every movie about nine thousand percent better, and this is no exception. Between Karyo and Jason Isaacs chewing scenery, you are almost able to forget about Mel Gibson’s painful earnestness.

Look, you definitely think this movie is stupid and refried Braveheart. You are not wrong. But this movie is also tremendous, because somehow all the emotional beats hit, and also America is awesome.

Which is what it comes down to. The plot is silly, and the romances are unremarkable, and the Brits are ludicrously cartoonish, and Donal Logue recovering from his terminal racism is almost insulting, but…I cry every time Susan speaks to Benjamin, and I love America.

Stray observations:

  • Just…shoot him again, Gabriel. Don’t be dumb.
  • Can someone just make a supercut of all of Jean Villeneuve’s sick burns and mic drops? “I want accuracy and precision!” “If I die, I will die well dressed.”
  • Chris Cooper doesn’t lack for knives in the gut either.

Director: Roland Emmerich
Rating: PG-13
Length: 165 minutes
Score: 1,000,000/5